All along I was preparing for you
As the warm water trickles over my body and the shower screen fogs, my heart skips a beat because I know with every ounce of my being that there is a little soul on its way.
I turn to my husband and gently announce, “I think there is a baby coming”. We didn’t really need those two little lines to appear to know, that our baby was on route to us.
It was within those sweet, unforgettable moments I washed away all that had been stirring within me over the previous 3 months. My new story had so gracefully landed. The old me was purely falling away in preparation for – my baby.
Side note; back in July 2016 I published a post titled ‘Who am I again’, I suggest you jump over and have a read before continuing on. Check it out here.
Reflecting back on this now, I almost can’t believe the divinity that was playing out in my life at the time. There I was, navigating my way through the eeeeekk that was continuing to show up in my life - questioning, changing and releasing – all in preparation for what was about to unfold.
The next few days were filled with beautiful moments of optimism mixed with “holy shit!” as we passed the time before the start of my next cycle.
It wasn’t until 3 weeks later that we took the all-important test. The night before I was wide awake, had just landed back in bed after my second trip to the bathroom that night (hello, new life) and I found myself beginning to wonder if I am going mad? Maybe I have just made this whole romantic idea up?
Show Me A Sign
So with the blinds wide open and the light from the stars beaming in, I asked for a sign.
I gently exhaled, releasing it over to the universe.
Within moments I sat up in bed to witness a shooting star dancing around the night sky. Holy shit! My heart near exploded in that moment. Needless to say, I hardly slept a wink that night.
Turns out whilst I was busy star gazing, my husband was having a vivid dream, one where we had taken multiple pregnancy tests, all showing just one hazy blue line – negative tests. Only to discover in the dream we had been reading the test incorrectly - in this story one hazy line meant…positive!
We had been away for the weekend, so by the time we arrived home later that afternoon I was unstoppable, busting through the door in a whirlwind, pregnancy test in hand willing those two little lines to show. In that moment, with my heart beating in my ears, I truly recognised my desire to be a mum was real.
So, you guessed it the lines did darken. As Jase and I were transported to another place wrapped in one another’s arms, laughing, crying, “oh my god”ing. Filled with love, shock and incredible joy.
Our baby had found a home.
What I wish I knew about morning sickness?
The word ‘sickness’ doesn’t seem to quite cut it when describing the gruelling 14 weeks of this ‘sickness’ I experienced. As most people know, I am 100% a glass half full kinda gal – but the truth is morning sickness is a real bitch!
And it completely blind sighted me.
Sure, I was prepared to feel a little more tired than usual, avoid certain foods, not indulge in coffee or alcohol, move a little slower and eventually not be able to touch my toes.
What I was not prepared for was to feel as though I was stuck on a boat, ship wrecked at sea for 14 weeks and in extreme cases not even be able to leave the confides of my bedroom in fear the light, sound or smell would send me on route to the toilet, again!
The thing was, I was nauseous when I didn’t vomit.
I was nauseous when I did vomit.
I was just bloody nauseous, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
I was sick in the morning and I was sick in the evening. Oh, there was no discriminating between day or night, weekday or weekend.
Navigating my first trimester certainly offered up its fair share of challenges mentally and physically. But the ultimate lesson - surrender. And something tells me this theme will continue well into motherhood.
But like most things I have experienced throughout my pregnancy – nothing is permanent. Not the aching in your back, your unrelenting sinusitis, your tender breasts or in this case your morning sickness. All the nausea, vomiting, lying down, carb loading, and days spent in the foetal position will all become a distant memory.
Now I know this is not the case for everyone, but for me one day, I woke up and I didn’t vomit. I, in fact didn’t even feel nauseous. I felt awake, energized, and vibrant. I would even go as far to say, just like my old self. Praise the pregnancy gods.
But here is the thing, morning sickness is not the same for everyone. It’s actually a really tough gig.
My advice to pregnant mama’s deep in the throes of this so-called sickness, is to be patient, kind and empathic with yourself. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings and KNOW that it will pass, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week or maybe once your baby arrives but there ARE brighter days ahead.
And to those loved ones standing on the sidelines, all of the above applies to you too. Plus there is a good chance that whatever you are doing right now is VERY likely making her bloody nauseous! So, go gently my friends.
A mother is born
I ain’t going to lie…I was never one of those women whose ovaries ached at the idea of motherhood or when they saw a sweet little babe. I could always appreciate the beauty of new life, little divine bubs and ‘mum life’, but without a doubt there was a detachment around it all for me.
This was until about 12 months ago, when just months before my 30th birthday, I really felt a deep maternal desire sink itself into my bones. I think my husband almost fell off the stool when I finally voiced the words, “I think I would like to have a baby” – to which he so gracefully responded “Ok baby, I am ready”. Oh the patience of my man!
So needless to say, the irony of it all is not lost on me when I catch myself losing my shit with excitement over empowering birth stories, devouring books, interviews and positive stories from other women.
These past 9 months I have experienced the creative process in the most true and primal way. I have felt empowered, held and embodied.
What I truly believe, like never before, is that motherhood or should I really say ‘womenhood’ is important. It is women coming together, women with children and women without children. This beautiful process can be so personal and freeing – and something that has taken me by total surprise.
Now we wait…
So now I sit here, 38 + weeks pregnant feeling stretched – physically and occasionally mentally. Some days there is face aching excitement, other days everything aches, my mind slips and I am overcome with despair and discomfort.
Then you whisper “Trust me mama.
Do not be fearful. Trust me, trust your body, and trust you are keeping me safe. This is my journey and it is all unfolding divinely. You are my perfect vessel for life, I have chosen you. I will see you soon, mama.”
Huge, mama love,